In an effort to follow a global protocol to prevent the virus from spreading, we are all limiting social interactions and are in close quarters with our loved ones. In terms of the overall strains couples can experience during this time, the emotional strains are undeniable, and they are closely tied with more concrete, practical things like financial and logistical strains.
Let’s start by noting that the financial implications of social distancing strategy are immense. Not everyone is able to continue their jobs from home, which means a threat to earning potential. Many people exercise a lot of what we call their most adult self—their ability to occupy their executive functioning well—in their ability to provide for their loved ones and for themselves. So the loss of income isn’t just the lack of bread on the table, but also the absence of an individual’s connection with one of their most resourceful parts. Without that part, some people might feel like flesh without bones.
The next strain is logistical. Being in close quarters with your loved one can be the best thing, the worst thing, and everything in between. As it is, the individuality of modern life already has us do a lot of things on our own, which can be an isolating factor for people in relationships. So, in some sense, spending time together is a luxury most people don’t seem to get due to their busy schedules. Couples can look at this joint confinement as a time to catch up with one another; they can use it like a getaway to create simple and meaningful moments.
However, nothing is indefinitely fun. The fact that we don’t have transparency yet about how long this confinement will be necessary brings immense ambivalence to our lives. In my observation of couples, I find that ambivalence is the most distressing factor. Ambivalence acts as a boundless playground for each individual to come across themselves in more intimate ways than they might be ready for! Encountering yourself this closely and unsupervised is not always fun.
Ambivalence tolerance is a sign of how securely attached we are as individuals, how we are with distress, and how well developed our executive functioning is. Ambivalence can exacerbate each partner’s disorganized attachment patterns. Ambivalence can force people to restage their unfinished businesses and get their long- awaited needs met in a way that can destabilize relationships. So couples should take it one day at a time.
One danger for couples with a weaker base is to be overwhelmed by the crisis and therefore use this period as an excuse to fulfill all of their expectations from each other. And if they should fall short in this inflated aim, this might then be interpreted more as the moral failing of the other or of the relationship.
In this context, let’s keep agency in mind. I encourage couples to develop a sense of power in being able to ask themselves: “What do I know about myself that explains the mess I am in right now?” This is a good way to own up to the inevitably relational nature of conflict.
Next is regulation. I teach couples to identify whether they are interactive regulators (individuals who need their partner to engage them in order to regulate) or auto-regulators (individuals who find comfort in regulating on their own and therefore need more space away from engaging their partners). It is important that couples know where they fall in these two categories so that they don’t end up assuming that their need for regulation is actually their partner’s need. If you know your partner is an auto-regulator, then you shouldn’t pursue them or engage them. If you know your partner is an interactive regulator then you can expect that they will need you to engage them, check in with them, show interest in how they are doing.
And, remember, this might not be how you conceptualize “help” for yourself, but it might be just the thing that your partner needs. Understanding each other’s regulation habits requires communication and practice. Once you understand your and your partner’s regulation habits and act accordingly, you can engage in reflective listening which can be a good way to eliminate the immediate cause for friction. This can lead to a greater understanding and learning about one another. When all attempts are failing, take a compromised time out together.
Compromised time outs are great excuses to practicing negotiation skills with one another when engaging is not an option. Remember, compromised time-outs aren’t about the time apart, but the negotiation about the time to come back together and re-engage. Time outs don’t work if the plan to come together isn’t part of the process. So make sure you’re asking each other about how long is needed for a breather, and where you want to meet back up. Here’s a tip: Never come back to the same space where the argument or conflict occurs. Always reconvene in a different space than the one you began to argue with one another.
It wouldn’t be right to discuss the relational challenges and opportunities of the novel coronavirus without including kids. Kids change everything, and in the best ways possible. Kids are a force of nature in motivating adults to want to be their best versions. They are an evolutionary calling for us adults towards our own maturation and development. The biggest challenge kids bring about is the wake-up call they give us adults. But here is the good news: We are totally equipped for this. It is in every fiber of our being. That being said, at this particular time, being in close quarters with our partners and kids requires higher executive functioning and emotional intelligence. Provide kids with good boundaries, make each day predictable, and be congruent in your actions so you have the credibility to set expectations. Don’t rely too much on technology. Invite them to be part of what you are doing.
While you’re at it, you can reconceptualize what togetherness and social distancing mean. Many of my clients look at the situation not as a lockdown but as a global movement of kindness. When my clients go out, they look at the empty streets and are touched by how well people are cooperating in making sure they don’t help spread the virus. This is very systems- oriented thinking: Seeing the social distancing in the bigger context of global distress and how we are all being our most caring selves as we withdraw to our homes. Frameworks are a powerful way of resetting. They provide a lens that informs our perception, and, as we know, perception is everything. One way to activate and engage the emotional muscles to carry these frameworks is guided visualization. All you need is a quiet corner of your house for as little as 5 minutes.
Obviously, the novel coronavirus is a huge shock to systems—not just to couples and family systems but all the way up the ladder to the global family. This shock is frightening, but it also carries opportunities to establish a new, better normal for all of us.
Every system, whether that be a family system or a couple system or a global system, develops homeostasis. This is the range in which the system practices familiarity. Evolutionarily, we prize familiarity above many things. We work hard to create it, so it is difficult to give it up even if what we are familiar with might be less-than-ideal circumstances. So we keep adapting to stay within the homeostasis that provides us with familiarity . The only way homeostasis readjusts itself is when something unfamiliar happens. That is what we call an opportunity for change. A crisis like this is an opportunity for change for us all. It’s simple cybernetics. The whole pattern of an organization is stabilized through the change of its component parts. The virus is making us reconsider the habits we developed over the years in how we related to ourselves and to others, both physically and emotionally. Maybe we’ve become too open and lost our earlier sensitivities around boundaries; now, we’re challenged to reconsider our current habits with boundaries. Our habits of consumption might have left our immune systems somewhat compromised. The virus is thus challenging us to reconsider our habits of caring for our bodily wellbeing. So, yes, a crisis like this can put things into perspective for couples. The virus provides a new background to the issues that couples have had until now and see if they still feel as difficult as they did before. It’s a good time to invite couples to make a new inventory in light of the crisis acting as an agent for change both at the relational level and also at a more intimate individual level.
